The Curse of the Magus

Sometimes I envy ignorance. If only I could forget who I was, how my actions could affect generations to come, everything that went "wrong" in my life, and what I could do to actually end it all, maybe waste away in both sanity and health. Well, there's illegal drugs, sure, but frankly the fact that I know that all my actions have resounding repercussions for generations to come -- even the typing of this very blog, in spite of the lack of avid followers -- constantly denies me the ability to give in to this very powerful temptation.

It's both a blessing and a curse, really: being able to know what's right and wrong, and acting upon things that would favor the "right" rather than the "wrong", you deny a lot of things that many other people your age enjoy -- material wealth, night outs, playing online, etc. -- for the simple reason that you know that these only grant temporary, thrill-of-the-moment happiness; when it's gone, you are sad again, and you'd want to get another "hit" of it. This means I find myself more withdrawn from the world, not because I want to withdraw from it, but the world rejects me for my views... even if I believe with all my heart and soul that what I'm doing would be, in the long run, the better choice. To make matters worse, when you try to grant upon even your own family, the vestiges and lessons you know are for their benefit, it's as if the weight of the entire planet tries to wrestle that passing of knowledge from you.

It really hurts when I think about it. But I do try to suck it up, keep my chin up with the confidence that my will be done in the end, even if I doubt the fragile threads that still keep my sanity... sane.

The curse of the magus is the curse of wisdom combined with the burden of knowledge eternal: as enlightenment will be overshadowed by ignorance, as what is right will be overturned by what is pleasurable, and as darkness would envelope even the purest of souls... the only thing one can do...

... is hope...

... and endure.